Lights on, lights off
by aliceanjee
Summary: Why?


_**A/N:**__ Hi, I'm back! Sorry to have been away for so long! But after watching a Stargate SG-1 marathon again, well... here's the result:_

**Lights off, Lights on**

"I think I'm going to sign off for the day, Walter."

"Very well Sir."

"'Night Walter."

"Good night Sir."

Brigadier General Jack O'Neill retrieved his green BDU jacket from the back of his chair in Hammond's office (just because the man isn't here anymore doesn't mean he thinks of it as his... anyway it feels too much like being "the Man"... he never liked being "the Man"...) and made his way down the stairs through the corridors of the SGC towards the personnel quarters. He was too tired to bother making his way home and decided to bunk on base. It's not like he had anyone waiting for him to get home anyway, since Kerry was now out of the picture. He couldn't even ask Daniel for a ride, as he was confined in the infirmary since he came back from the dead, again, and Carter... well, she's getting married in three weeks so she's probably on a romantic date with this fiancé of hers.

While he was deep in thought, his steps unwittingly took him past Carter's lab, force of habit maybe (he used to come and bug her pretty much every day when signing off, when they were still both serving in SG-1, to make sure she'd get home at some point, and not spend sleepless night after sleepless night hunched over some experiment on a new alien doohickey brought back from P3X-something-or-other). He was not surprised to see the lights off, and would have continued on his way, had he not heard what sounded suspiciously like a sniffle coming from inside the room.

Sure enough, the lab door was not locked, meaning Carter hadn't left the base yet, but why were the lights off if she was still in?

He knocked on the door, calling "Carter? You in there?"

A breath hitched, then, "Sir?"

Jack winced. A tremor in her voice, shuffling, what sounds like the rustling of a chair and one "ouch!" later, he entered the room and turned on the light. "You okay? What are you doing in the dark, at 0230 hours, in your lab on a Friday night... well Saturday morning now? Weren't you supposed to get away for the weekend?"

"Well there's been a change of plans Sir. I was too busy with the artefact SG-3 brought back from P5Y-629 and you see, it's fascinating to see what it can do when interfaced with the dialling program. I believe it can automatically compensate for the..." She was babbling now.

"Ack! Stop it right there! Now I know for a fact that whatever SG-3 brought back was put aside to be dealt with by Dr. Lee. Will you tell me what's going on?"

"I ah... needed some space. And after what happened at dinner last night, well..."

Oh, it was gonna be one of these conversations. Where he'd have to talk about something starting with _F_, ending with _-ings_ and with a slippery _-eel-_ in the middle. And judging by Carter's red-rimmed eyes and the fact that she was avoiding looking at him, it was not gonna be an easy one.

"Ah... dinner... last night... what happened?"

"Well Pete ordered butternut squash casserole, sirloin with roasted carrots and red Jell-O pudding, with a cherry Coke. And then we started talking and then I don't even remember what he said or what I said and then we fought and then I left."

"I see." How the hell did Shanahan not know Carter hates butternut squash casserole (reminds her of a dish served on the mining planet when their memories were altered that she was forced to eat for days on end), despises roasted carrots with her steak (mashed potatoes all the way) and definitely does not eat red Jell-O (she prefers blue) or drink cherry Coke (she prefers Diet Coke, thinks it tastes better... go figure!)? "What can..."

"Can I ask you a question Sir?" she cut in abruptly.

"'Course, shoot."

"What's my favorite movie?"

"Excuse me?"

"Please sir, humor me. What's my favorite movie?"

"All right. Your favorite is 'Fame', 'cause it's the last movie you watched with your mother before she died," Jack replied, a bit confused.

"My favorite jam flavor?" A tear pearled at the corner of her eye.

"Blueberry 'cause it reminds you of the blueberry pie your Grandma used to bake on Sundays after church," he answered, more and more puzzled.

"My favorite ice cream? Why I sleep with the window closed even in summer? Why I only wear gold jewelry?" Her voice started trembling, and she bit her lip.

"French Vanilla 'cause you like the real vanilla black bits in it, 'cause you don't like creepy crawlies coming in your room and 'cause you're allergic to everything else. Carter, what's this all about?" Jack was starting to get worried. This wasn't like her, asking random questions and getting all emotional like that.

"Why do you know all this, and he doesn't? Why does he love me, why did he want to marry me and I..." She took a deep ragged breath and turned her back to him. He could see her fists tightly furled, and her shoulders rigid with the effort she was making of not letting her emotions get the best of her.

"And you?..."

"I... I... I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. It's not like it's gonna make any difference now anyway," she said bitterly.

"I know this because I care about you." _A lot more than I'm supposed to, still._ "I mean, we all do, Danny, Teal'c, me and everybody here at the SGC. You're a damn good scientist, a stellar officer and the very best friend a person can have."

"Friends... is that what we are?" She turned back to face him.

"Of course Carter. Although we're not on SG-1 together any longer and don't spend as much time working side-by-side as we used to doesn't mean we're not friends anymore." He reassured her, smiling with his eyes.

"Oh. Well, at least there's that then. We're _friends_." She sounded defeated. She looked at him, and saw his warm eyes smiling at her. "I didn't know it would hurt so bad... if I knew, maybe I'd... who am I kidding, I'd have done it anyway..." she murmured.

_Hurt? What the hell did the cop do for her to talk like this?_ He was seething.

"What the hell did Shanahan do to you Carter?" He gripped her shoulders and looked her over, trying to discern if she had any bruising anywhere; he lifted her hair from her neck to check there too. "If he touched you, God help me I'll..." He stopped suddenly. It was getting too close for comfort, she was going to realize this was not the way a friend would react. He let her go, still carefully seeking any remnants of potential trauma.

"What are you talking about? Pete would never..." Understanding dawned in her mind. "No, sir, he didn't touch me."

"Then who? Who hurt you?" He asked anxiously.

"Nobody physically harmed me, Sir, don't worry. I... was talking figuratively. It is simply a decision I made, a long time ago, that is coming back to... haunt me, so to speak. But thanks for the concern Sir, I appreciate it. Although you are perfectly aware that I can defend myself, aren't you?" She raised a questioning eyebrow.

_She spends way too much time around Teal'c these days... _He was relieved to know she was unharmed. But what could she be talking about then?

"Well, as your friend it is my right to be concerned, isn't it? And yes, I know you are perfectly able to defend yourself; the Marines of SG-5 can attest to it I believe." She had entered into a _friendly_ competition with them when the jarheads decided that military women were good at hand-to-hand combat, but not _that_ good. After one of them ended up flat on his back on the gym mats, _twice in a row_, they changed their minds.

"So... you want to share what this decision is? The one that's playing the poltergeist?" He sent her a questioning look.

"Maybe... Friend, huh?" She hesitated, then seemed to reach a decision. "Would it change anything if I showed you this?" She pulled out the chain of her dog tags, suspiciously devoid of anything remotely resembling a sparkling engagement ring.

"Carter... aren't you missing something?" She usually kept her ring on her dog tags to avoid it getting in the way of her work.

"I gave it back to him. I... I couldn't go ahead with it, knowing that I didn't love him. I care about him, but I didn't want to hurt him by letting him think I was his. My mother used to say we only love once, and that's forever. I guess she was right... I gave my heart away a long time ago. But damn, it hurts. I thought I was over it, over _him_, that's why I accepted the ring. But then I realized I never was, and never will be... Even if he and I cannot be together, because he doesn't feel that way. Not anymore anyway... Maybe he never did..." She looked at him with her beautiful, sad blue eyes, and he was lost.

"Ah... Well maybe he did... still does... have you asked him?" She gasped, and a bright light engulfed her cerulean eyes.

He only wanted her to be happy, and if she thought Shanahan could make her happy then he would have supported her till the end, even if he was dying inside a little bit more every day. But that changed things, if she didn't love the cop then maybe... just maybe there would be room in her heart for an old beaten up airman like him.

"You know, I think mothers are always right. Mine told me the same actually, and she had never been proven wrong, about anything, in her life. She told me to behave with honor and do my duty, but sometimes you have to follow your heart too, she used to say. Unfortunately sometimes honor, and duty, are incompatible with what your heart wants. Especially when you're not sure if what you want is also what the other person wants. But after what you've just told me, well... _Samantha_, I was wondering if..."

"If...?" she spoke with bated breath.

"If you'd like to come to my cabin? This weekend? To Minnesota? With me? To go fishing? In my pond? With no fish?"

"I... I think I would... very much so. But what about...?" she hesitated.

"What about what?" he asked, puzzled.

"What about the regs, Sir?" she inquired with a worried frown.

"Oh, did I not tell you? Well I received an interesting communication this morning, to inform me that the President himself had organized a special dispensation for the SGC, and all other facilities dealing with top secret material. Something tells me a certain general, who used to be very close to us and shall remain nameless, although I do believe you call him 'Uncle George', had a hand in this, don't you think? I was not going to say anything until next week but since we're broaching the subject..." He gave her his best crooked smile.

Her face lit up. "In that case, _Jack_, I think I'd better start packing my things away, we have a plane to catch early in the morning."

"That we do. After you, Carter."

The SFs at the security checkpoint topside saw the two most famous members of the SGC leaving together, with a smile on the Lieutenant-Colonel's face and a spring in O'Neill's step. They discreetly breathed a sigh of relief, content that all was back to normal between these two. Well as normal as could be anyway.

They were the only ones not surprised come the following week when the announcement concerning certain pesky regulations was made. Nobody was surprised however, when a couple fortnights later Carter came back from a few days' leave with a discreet gold band on her finger, as did O'Neill, or when the lovely scientist went on maternity leave a few months after that. But that's a story for another time...

_**A/N2**__: special thanks to Ellana-san (u / 1253962) who was the inspiration for this one. I was just re-reading some of her fics and this just popped into my head, not sure why, but a million thanks anyway! Do you want to be my honorary muse?_


End file.
